Thursday, June 28, 2007

My Kingdom Fjord a Norse

An Open Letter to Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg of Norway:

Dear Jens (you can call me Brian):

As you may have heard, the government of my native country is in the grip of a tyranny such as it has not witnessed in at least 30-odd years, since we effectively flushed Nixon down the Potomac. Today, our Supreme Court ruled against school desegregation. The Chief Justice explained the ruling by writing, "The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race.” You just can't imagine how humiliating it is to live in a nation where such idiocy is exalted and sits in the highest thrones of power.

In other words, our government, in all of its four branches (Executive, Legislative, Judicial, Cheney), is as drunk as Paris and as solipsistic as CNN covering Paris. There is no end in sight--it's only likely to get worse, what with Rudy and Mitt and Hillary as the front runners to the succession. In short, I feel like that woman in the famous painting by your countryman.

So I'm asking what it might take for you to consider me for citizenship of your great nation. Here are a few points on how I might easily fit into your social order:

  • I wouldn't take up much space--just me and a little black cat

  • I wouldn't dare take any of your beautiful blondes, unless it was OK with you

  • I have always preferred Fjord over Chevy

  • I like cold weather and actually have a kind of reverse SAD (I get grumpy and dismal in the summer and euthymic in the autumn and winter)

  • I'm a big Harry Potter fan, so I would fully support the Witches' Convention now being held in your country. I also look forward to your next hosting of the Quidditch World Cup, and would throw all my energy and ability behind the preparations--you know, creating portkeys, chasing Death Eaters, selling Omnioculars--you name it, I'll do it for you.

  • Please consider my request, and I'd love to hear from you if you have any questions.

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