Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Congress: De-Clawing America

Those of you who read here regularly probably know I'm no great fan of the New York Times, except every Monday, when the middle of their lineup comes to the plate. Yesterday, Krugman & Herbert did their stuff as no one else in the mass media can. If you've got the fifty bucks for a year of this, it's well worth it. If I were to put together a Presidential ticket and just swear to the voters that Krugman would be somewhere on my cabinet, I bet I'd steal quite a few votes—probably more than Nader, even.

But I wouldn't be at the top of the ticket. My presidential nominee would be the little lady you see up inside the banner. In fact, she has a few words for us today. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...Night the Cat.

Have you ever had your claws clipped? Well, let me tell you, it's not exactly your warm-and-fuzzy Hallmark moment. Everybody's making a big deal over this cat in New Jersey that chased the bear up the tree...Kourageous Kitty. What a sack of dogshit. Chasing bears is nothing compared to what I go through with enduring people.

I guess I can't complain, because the guy here tells me that a lot of folks take their cats' claws out entirely. And they pretend it's good for kitty. OK, you pull your fingernails out and tell me it feels just great, and I'll follow you down to the vet to get declawed.

But anyway, that all reminds me of what's going on in Congress. I bet you were waiting to see where this claw metaphor was going...These guys are cutting off the claws of this society, while a war rages and the planet melts. You're incredible, you people—you'll bang your heads up against the same brick wall until your brains are lying in a pool of blood at your feet. And then you run for re-election!

So let's see what those folks that you refer to as "fat cats" are up to (believe me, I'm a fat cat, and none of these people in Washington rates as a fat cat, though I wouldn't want to be a tuna casserole in their vicinity). They're still trying to figure out how to mollycoddle the guys from Corpo-America who funded their election war-chests, while still making a pretence of preserving net neutrality. If you people put half the effort into reality that you put into display, this world would be getting somewhere.

Next, and this is really hilarious, they fulminate over gay marriage, estate taxes, and—I swear I'm not making this up—a bill to allow indigeneous Hawaiians the right to self-government.

What in the name of Bast are you people doing, paying these people a king's ransom with your taxes while they waste all that money doing the human equivalent of a dog fucking a tree, only to idle away the other half of the year on vacation, spending lobbyists' cash on $50,000 trips? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you people are barking, howling, woofing mad.

And no, I'm not interested in your Chief Mouser's job. As one of your famous politicians once said, if nominated I will not run, if elected I will not serve...

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