Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Geek Wednesday, Feline Edition

Hey you crazy people—it's me, Night the Cat, mascot and part-time blogger for Daily Revolution. I'm here today for Geek Wednesday, and also because the guy is just too wasted with the heat and all to write anything.

What a wuss. He runs off in the morning to sit at a computer in an air-conditioned office, and leaves me here with the windows open and a convection-oven breeze blowing through the place. And I'm supposed to act like it's the Second Coming when he comes home. People. You're all nuts.

But let me share a secret: we of the furry persuasion aren't that bothered by the heat. We know how to deal with it a lot better than you folks do. Granted, a few of your medical experts occasionally get it right, but in true human form, most of you label them quacks and "alternative" whackos.

Take Ayurvedic medicine, from India: there's a good example of docs who know how to deal with the heat. They'll tell you to drink at least three cups of hot water or green tea a day, and to shower or bathe in hot water, too. But I'm sure you folks are right to believe they're all a bunch of frauds: after all, they've been doing basically the same thing for thousands of years, in a land where 100/100 temp/humidity is more the norm than the seasonal exception. What would they know about dealing with the heat?

So you people keep up with your cold showers that close every pore on your body and your big-slurpee six-thousand calorie ultra-frosty malts that close every pore inside your body, while also turning your arteries into congealed gluten and your belly into a scene from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. And you shi-shi morons in Central Park: keep on shaving your poodles like topiary bushes. Nothing makes me happier than seeing dogs suffer.

Geek Wednesday

It's kind of a dead week in Geekland. Sure, those new Intel processors came out; some voting was done on the 10 Worst Technologies of the Year; but the world is waiting for the next Cat OS from those Jaguar, Panther, and Tiger-loving felines at Apple. Next week, Steve will roll out a demo of Leopard at WWDC. We'll have a report on that next time. In the meantime, how about a little fun Microsoft-bashing? What the hell?

Remember Microsoft Office 2007, the beta? The guy reviewed it here (and here, and again here). You'll remember what he found out: that it's really pretty, that Outlook doesn't send mail, and that Word's compatibility wizard makes every document it touches compatible with nothing but itself. Now, here's another treat from Uncle Bill, the master of those offers you can't refuse: if you haven't dowloaded Office '07 yet, you still can. And it will cost you only $1.50. Yep, that's a buck fifty, six quarters, for the most advanced and fully-dysfunctional productivity center going. You'd be a sucker to miss out on that, right?

Go ahead, people. The only thing more fun than watching dogs suffer is seeing humans do their lemming impressions. Don't forget to pre-order your zune—you know, the iPod killer. I bet Steve's really crapping his pants over that one.

And the guy here wants me to remind you that HP bought Mercury Interactive, as if anybody cares. $4.5 billion tuna skins for some goofy load-testing software that he uses at work. "Oh, Loadrunner's written in C, Night—did you know that?" Yeah, yeah, pal: you wouldn't know a computer language if it jumped up and bit your balls off. You just keep the C-food coming, and I'll write whatever you want.

Now, let's talk about some fun things you can do with your computer—isn't that what they're for, anyway?

The Brick Testament: Here's a site run by a very clever kid who turned a Lego obsession into a socially-charged message about the crazy things and ideas you people worship. Follow the stories and learn about the hideous danger of religious ideology, without having to pick up the morning newspaper! By the way, everyone knows that god is a cat, and a black one, by the way, just like me. Her name is Bast. We would have called her Best, but we didn't want to seem arrogant about it.

Games: Let's kill things, waste time and brain cells, and let the world do its slow burn as we play. For the Windoze crowd, there's Big Fish Games. If you do the Mac like we do here, then here's your spot to play. Penguin lover, are you? Try the Linux game site. For you political geeks, there's the beloved collection of Dick Cheney shooting games. Or what, Minesweeper's enough for you? Bet you're the life of the party, boy.

By the way, did you ever notice that the most-used adjective to describe the products at these gaming sites is "addictive"? As if addiction were a virtue, something to strive for. Maybe that's why most of you poor human dweebs are running XP on your Dell machines right now: it's "addictive." But if it weren't for addiction, Mel Gibson wouldn't be entertaining us with his diverting self-flagellation ritual. Humans: crazier than pigeons at a cat show.

Google Labs: Firefox extensions, spreadsheet, notebook, a tour of Mars. These people put out beta software that won't make you want to sharpen your claws on your mushy TFT screen.

Reading is for schlubs: You know you want to veg out and watch videos all day. Google's got 'em; so does Comedy Central. And for those of you who love Microsoft as much as I do, here's one to watch again and again. And finally, you don't want to miss Colbert going Wiki.

Look at the cute kitties! You can find a load of links to sites like these, featuring your favorite animal of them all, at The Poor Man. Careful, though: read what the guy is writing there, and you just might learn something about the world. And that would spoil all the fun.

Gotta hand it to these left-wing bloggers, though: they sure love their kitties. See ya around, folks.

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