Saturday, August 26, 2006

DR Exclusive: An Interview with Pluto

We are very honored to have with us today at Daily Rev the planet Pluto. As those of us watching the news are aware, Pluto has apparently been relegated to "dwarf" status, in favor of a larger object known as UB313, or Xena. This news has ice-rocked the world, pushing aside such stories as the wars in Iraq and Lebanon, the genocide in Darfur, Iran's nuclear doings, and JonBenet's alleged killer's choice of in-flight beverage. Pluto, welcome to Daily Revolution.

PLUTO: Thank you, though I have to say I'm here at what you might call a dwarf-blog by default, having been denied an audience with my favorites, Ann Coulter and Matt Drudge.

DR: Well, we're glad you're here anyway. Now, how would you respond to those who prefer to categorize you as a "dwarf planet"?

P: My agent is currently in negotiations with Michael Eisner and Steve Jobs. Since I have been named after a Disney dog, there is momentum behind a movement to make me the eighth dwarf. That would leave 8 planets, 8 dwarves, and 8 directions, as we approach the time of the Apocalypse, whose number is 888.

DR: Excuse me, but I thought that number is 666.

P: Just wait a couple of years, you'll see what the right number is for that. You won't even have time to elect your new Liberal President, John McCain.

DR: Wait a second, McCain's no liberal—maybe you've been in the outer limits of the Solar System a little too long...

P: Just wait...when you, Al "Qaeda" Gore, and all the Hezbollah-loving left-wing maniacs have been ported to Kuiper Belt object UB-404, otherwise known as Planet Gitmo, McCain will be on the far left of the political spectrum.

DR: Could you comment on the remarks made by astronomers who have said that "Pluto is not worth being called a planet"?

P: They are not worth being called astronomers.

DR: But they are, and they say you're too small and slow to merit the designation...

P: I'll still be old, small, and slow when they're all dead, rotted, and forgotten.

DR: But these astronomers are simply trying to establish a standard based on size, so that we can all agree on what a planet is; and you are smaller than Xena, even accounting for the fact that she cut off her right tit to more easily make war...

P: If size is what defined a man, we'd have a lot fewer men and an entire galaxy of six-inches-when-stiff dwarf-pricks. Jeff "8-inch" Gannon would be White House Press Secretary. I'm still over 1,400 miles in diameter, even when I'm not floating my gases.

DR: How are you dealing with all the media attention—being up there on the front page with a dead kid dressed like a prostitute, or Captain Kangaroo dressed like a diplomat?

P: John Bolton and I have a lot in common...we are both icy, distant from the light, and inhospitable to life. Same goes for me and that poor child—we have both distracted your media from every discussion of substance in your pitiful world, we are small, and we are making the fortunes of people we will never know. Incidentally, I agree with your New York Post on this whole issue of the suspected killer: a public execution followed by a fair trial is indeed the correct, furthest-from-the-sun approach.

DR: Why, then, didn't you appear at the astronomer's conference in Prague to state your own case?

P: That would be beneath my dignity as a planet of stature, to beg these lame astro-nerds for recognition. I am not a courtly fool like that asshole, Uranus, allowed to keep my planetary status on the basis of gutter humor. I am not a glitzy showoff with rings like Saturn, or a level orange giant whose substance is made mostly of gas, like Jupiter. I am not a dwarf—I am a free planet! You want gas—here, have a taste of my vapor, it's better than Limbaugh' am I BIG enough for you?

DR: (choking) I think...that's all. Thank, you, Pluto.

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