And now, from a ranch in Texas, we bring you a statement from Crawford George:
"My fellow Americans, I come to you tonight with wonderful news. As I speak, the infidel is being routed from his insurgent lairs in Iraq. The cities of Baghdad, Fallujah, and Tikrit will be a tomb for the smoking corpses of the insurgent demons and the defilers of American democracy. At this moment, all enemies of the prophet Cheney (peace be upon him!) are lying in a barbecue pit beside Route Irish as our Marines warm their hands at the fire engulfing the roasting stomachs of the infidel. The victory over the godless has been won—praise be to the holy death squads of Jesus! I call on all faithful Americans to prostrate themselves toward Washington and pray that this great and glorious victory be blessed by the Prophet and exalted to God! We have won! God is great! America is greater! Cheney is greatest! Blessed be the prophet, and may our enemies die a thousand fiery, agonizing deaths in the sight of their grieving widows and children! Death to the villains who dare to oppose us—we have welcomed them with cruise missiles and shoes. We are hitting them from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they run away there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them. And it is not them who are besieging us. We are in control. We embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they thought that by killing 30,000 civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they would win. But they are retreating on all fronts. Their military effort is a subject of laughter throughout the world. We have won, I tell you, we have won the glorious victory over those bastards. We have killed them all...most of them."
(Thanks to welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com for some of the language for Crawford George's speech)